Women's Sixth Sense

I don't understand why but women has a rather accurate sixth sense. I have to say I can feel it but I hate it because I really don't know how to deal with it. To confront or to act stupid and give him the benefit of doubt. But what if you found out that he is lying but you just don't know the reason behind the lies? Sometimes I wonder.. What we women prefer to hear? Do we want to know the truth or we prefer to be told things that men think we rather hear. I wanted to believe him but I found out he was not where he claimed he went. So my imagination ran wild as usual. Why did he have to lie? What were they doing there? They had girls with them? They did things that they shouldn't have? Otherwise, why did he lie to me? I have been to that place and I know how complicated it can get. I don't want to question him but my imagination still cannot control itself. It is so much that even in my dreams I am facing the problems of confronting him to find out what I want to know. I can forgive him for not telling me the truth but I want to know why he lied in the first place? Because he didn't want me to misunderstand? There I go again. Forever finding excuses because I don't want to get hurt. Why does it always have to be like that? When I thought I am happy, things just have to screw up. Why do they have to take my happiness away from me? If he thinks this is just a game then maybe I should give it all up and walk away now before I fall even deeper though it will hurt alot now too. Why does he have to lie and then that becomes a forbidden topic when I appear. Isn't that tough? What exactly happened that night which I believed he left very reluctantly because I was kicking up a fuss already. Now I don't know what is it that I want to hear. Can I take it if he told me the truth? How bad can the truth be ? Just why do men have to cheat or lie when they already have someone? Can't they be less cruel and to only hunt when they do not have someone. I am not a toy. I am real and I have feelings. All I want is someone whom I can walk down the red carpet with and be happy all my life. But that seems just so difficult. Something is definitely not right the day he change his password and refuse to tell me his new password and just brushes it off saying that he just felt like changing. So are you going to tell me that you cheat because you just feel like doing it? Now I am beginning to wonder if the first time the thing that I saw was it you or were you really telling me the truth. I am very confused now.

Romantic Freak?

I recall how I used to be a "Romantic Freak". Why so? I used to wish for bouquet of flowers during Valentine's day, my birthday or anniversaries. However, most of the time I only receive the flowers after it is too late. After when I decide to leave. I always had to hint very obviously the type of flowers that I like but probably only once I got them on Valentine's day whereas the other times I receive them it was always too late. I know it is not easy to get Champagne Roses in Singapore or I should say not all floral shops carry them or they try to smoke their way through with pink roses and claim that it is champagne roses. But I think people do change. As much as I still wish to receive flower bouquet but I no longer hint or tell anymore. If he cares and knows me well enough, maybe I will receive them someday. The most ridiculous thing I did ever and I do really feel very bad about it. I ruin a Valentine's Day because he didn't send me any flowers when he knew from the start how much I will like to have it. Because I used to educate him and told him specifically and he did gave me the most beautiful red and champagne roses bouquet on our first V-day together. It was only the first year. However, I feel bad because I did not consider the situation that he was in. But nonetheless, I threw my tantrums and we didn't have our V-day dinner at the Italian restaurant.

Give up?

Am I reading too much into things?
I cannot read him.. I don't understand how he feels.. Should I walk away and pretend that nothing happened?
Should I give up and wish he finds someone better? Someone he likes and will treat him good?
I think I need to stop feeling what I'm feeling right now..
I hate caring so much but not knowing what it means to him.

I know...

I know...

We are only just friends
I am not your type of girl
I am just another female friend of yours
I feel comfortable around you
How I keep thinking about you
How I keep telling my friends about you
How I smile when I see your messages
I cannot continue being like this anymore
Nothing will happen between us both
I know.... I know...
But there is nothing I can do to control this.
How do I walk away from these feelings..
How do I walk away from you?
I Miss You! You will not know and I bet you won't care either.

Why do I feel this way?

Are these feelings real? Can I trust them? Why am I afraid that you will know? Why do I keep thinking of you? I know you don't miss me at all. As usual, I'm just another friend. Maybe it's time to take a step back and out of your life before I fall.

Thoughts~!

Life is no longer as simple as it used to be. Why are things so complicated? Why are people so hypocritical? Why are things sometimes so political? Why do our heart and brain think differently? Which should we listen to? I'm so confused. I don't even understand my own feelings. I cannot make a decision. I dunno how to handle this situation. How do I know exactly what are we? Argh~! Who can help to shine some light. Can't wait for KTV on Sunday with Hui Ling mei mei and Vyla. But it doesn't seem good if I were to make it an emo KTV session. So I have to put up the false front again? Actually, I wonder exactly in front of how many people can I really ignore my emotions and break down. How many of my friends have exactly seen me cry before? Who are the real friends or are they like those in the past? Fair-weathered friends? They only appear to be good to me cos i am of some use to them. But when i can no longer help them, I am no longer their friend. Haiz..

Goodbye Gong Gong~ I Love You So Very Very Much!

It's been 2 years. I dedicate this post to him!

Gong Gong has left us on 24th June 2010 at 11.24pm.
Even when he leave, he still had all of us in mind.
How are we supposed to not feel sad?
According to the Chinese, after 11pm is considered the next day.
Therefore, it means that he left all the 3 meals of Friday for all of us.
This is indeed just so him.
Always fearing that the people he love doesn't have enough to eat or is not eating.
I think me and Kenneth know it best.
We are always the ones being asked to eat alot more and have lots of food flying to our bowls and plates during meals. The food can literally fly across two or three person.
As long as I buy food for him, I know I am expected to finish at least half of what I bought before he will even start eating.
He is always worried and concerned about all of us.
He choose to leave quietly too when no one was around so that we won't have to deal and suffer seeing him take his last breath.
He always place us before him.
I am once again angry with the horrible place.
It was the same place I lost Ma Ma~
So what if the place has changed its name.
It still means Cannot Go Home.
Why did they call only after he is gone?
And even then the stupid nurse only said that he was critically ill.
Shouldn't critically ill means that we could still see him before he leave?
Why didn't they call at 11pm when they first found out about it?
Why didn't they call earlier and maybe I might see him take his last?
I took a cab and rush down and ran to him..
But he was gone.
I called him, I shook him, I told him I was there to see him already..
But he can no longer respond and reply.
He was probably watching me and standing beside me with Ma Ma.
I wailed, I cried, I screamed for him to wake up, for him to open his eyes to look at me. I told him I was there already.
But he had already left.
I called kenneth and told him Gong Gong has left and I collapse down on the floor beside Gong Gong while holding on to his arm and continued crying.
No one could stop me and they know it too.
I cried each time I call someone or talk to anyone.
I refused to leave his side until I had to go find daddy who was alone outside the ward.
Everyone tried to tell me Gong Gong is no longer suffering and he is happy now. But to me, he is without us.
I haven't brought him to the zoo again.
I was just telling daddy I wanna bring Gong Gong out after I do my hair and 10 minutes later we realised something is wrong with Gong Gong.
He had a stroke.
Anyway, it took us damn long too to get his death certificate.
This hospital is indeed SLOW in everything.
When the hospital can finally release the body for the undertaker to collect it, I had to go in to identify and ensure that it was the right person.
It's me because I was the informant on the death certificate.
It was really cruel that I had to lift the blanket to see that the person all wrapped up is Gong Gong.
I touched his head for the last time and told him that he has to be good and that he is no longer suffering now.
I came out and the tears just flowed uncontrollably.
I didn't know how to stop. Cos I was thinking that will be the last time I see him in that form before he is placed into the coffin.
We were all very tired from the crying and screaming(maybe only me) so we went home to rest to prepare for the buzy 5 days ahead.
I was supposed to sleep in the living room with Mary as she was frightened but I had difficulty sleeping on the couch and I couldn't sleep there.
I kept staring at the sofa seat and the toilet thinking that I might catch a glimpse of gong gong.
Probably I was just not willing to face reality. I could feel him, I really could. Sky ended up sleeping on gong gong seat and went to sleep soundly.
I looked at Sky and recall how gong gong always say he is a horse rather than a dog.
Eventually I went into the room cos I just couldn't close my eyes in the living room.
I laid on the bed and tried to sleep but I couldn't. I laid there for 3 hours plus until I heard daddy using his hp. Then we all realised that actually all 3 of us were not sleeping at all. We merely close our eyes and we were all awake.
None of us believe that he left us just like that.
At about 7 plus 8am, daddy, didi and I waited for uncle bobby to come and went to geylang industrial estate to choose the coffin for gong gong and to settle some funeral arrangements.
We chose the coffin then we realise that the makeup artiste was helping gong gong with his make up.
I tried to control my tears cos I dun wan to upset the rest anymore.
But daddy broke down when he saw gong gong and we all cried again.
We settled the stuffs and daddy drove me to office to take some stuffs.
The hugs and encouragement I received from my colleagues was heart warming but I was so afraid that I would tear.
I controlled and rush through my stuffs cos everyone was waiting for me downstairs.
Thereafter, we went back home.
I was having a major headache and it was killing me.
Slowly around 11 plus everything started coming in and we had to get ready and prepare for gong gong's return.
We were told by them we cannot cry when they bring his body into the tentage area as he is considered coming home well.
We had to tell him that he is okay now and ask him to come home.
Everyone was controlling and giving each other the support.
The family is always this close and I am happy and thankful about it.
Everyone broke down after they place gong gong into the coffin and it was really sad when we can only see him for the last time before they cover the coffin and we can only see him across the glass opening.
I couldn't really eat and was really tired but I can't sleep.
In the evening, people started coming to pay their last respects to gong gong.
I'm thankful for all my friends who turned up to give me support and to pay their last respects to gong gong too. Though not all of them have seen him before, but i believe they all know how dear he was to me.
Many relatives came too and it is hard to stay strong and put up that brave front.
It's not easy having to face people who tell you to be strong when u just lost someone so so so dear to you.
I tried to be strong and even be able to joke with my cousins and friends and all. But deep down in my heart, it ain't that easy.
I didn't sleep the whole day cos I couldn't.
Only until about 12 plus, I knew i had to take the nap cos i was having such a massive headache that I was about to bang my head on the wall.
Furthermore, didi have to take his TP test the next day so we both went up to sleep. I didn't know how tired i was until i lied on the bed.
I just concussed and sleep. Woke up the next day and realised that didi has left the house already.
So i change and got ready to go back downstairs just in case someone needs to go home to sleep or anything. Anyway, 5 days passed very quickly and it was the funeral already. I was hysterical and beyond control. Whenever anyone talk to me, the tears will not stop. Daddy have to tell people to stop talking to me so that I can remain calm for a while. When they wheel his body in, I was screaming because after that what's left is only ashes and bones of him already. Daddy said that I have casued alot of people to tear. I am thankful for everyone who came to send gong gong off on his last journey and for the support they have gave to us. I miss him alot but at least he is with ma ma now. He has accompanied us for 12 years more and i think it is time for him to re-unite with ma ma again liao. Thanks for appearing in my dreams together to let me know that both of you are together now. I finally have the courgae to publish this. Sometimes, when i reach home i just feel like shouting Gong Gong and Ma Ma I'm home!

Hello~!

It's been such a long long time that I have last updated here.
Actually since he left us.
Though everyone doesn't mention but we all miss him alot too.
But at least he is with mama now and they are happily together.

Will try to update more often.

Anyways, we will be going to Batam this thurs and fri.
Finally the whole family is going on a holiday again together and with Mabel's family too and also old man is joining us.

At least most of the holidays are planned already.
Can't wait to go and rest and relax.

Sept 25 - 28 : Penang
Nov 11: Surprise (In Planning)
Dec 24 - Jan 6: TAIWAN!!!!!!

Planning the taiwan holiday, just got to fix the small details for the free & easy part of our holiday.

=))

Tarot Card of the day - 9th July 2010

Knight of Wands




The life and soul of the party, flirtatious and happy go lucky, but don’t expect to hear from him the next day. He runs away from emotional commitment, gets bored when things turn more serious and struggles with any form of commitment.

He can also represent an older man with a string of failed relationships, all due to his commitment phobic nature. Have a good time with him by all means but protect your heart! He may makes plans that he fails to keep, promises that he fails to deliver or describe him self in an idealistic way that makes you fall in love with an illusion that fails to materialise.

THINK!

Many things have been happening and I really dunno how I should react and what I should do anymore.
Before I even have time to stop and think all starts unfolding in front of me.
Maybe all these things did went through my mind before I went out but I just decide to brush it aside telling myself that it will not happen.
However, eventually somehow all the things kinda happen somehow in someway.
My mind is in a mess and I really dunno what is going on.
Some things happened though it shouldn't have but somehow I'm glad that it happened. It actually meant something to me.
It might not mean anything to him but it did make a difference for me.
I can't think anymore. I am going to go crazy. =X