It's been 2 years. I dedicate this post to him!
Gong Gong has left us on 24th June 2010 at 11.24pm.
Even when he leave, he still had all of us in mind.
How are we supposed to not feel sad?
According to the Chinese, after 11pm is considered the next day.
Therefore, it means that he left all the 3 meals of Friday for all of us.
This is indeed just so him.
Always fearing that the people he love doesn't have enough to eat or is not eating.
I think me and Kenneth know it best.
We are always the ones being asked to eat alot more and have lots of food flying to our bowls and plates during meals. The food can literally fly across two or three person.
As long as I buy food for him, I know I am expected to finish at least half of what I bought before he will even start eating.
He is always worried and concerned about all of us.
He choose to leave quietly too when no one was around so that we won't have to deal and suffer seeing him take his last breath.
He always place us before him.
I am once again angry with the horrible place.
It was the same place I lost Ma Ma~
So what if the place has changed its name.
It still means Cannot Go Home.
Why did they call only after he is gone?
And even then the stupid nurse only said that he was critically ill.
Shouldn't critically ill means that we could still see him before he leave?
Why didn't they call at 11pm when they first found out about it?
Why didn't they call earlier and maybe I might see him take his last?
I took a cab and rush down and ran to him..
But he was gone.
I called him, I shook him, I told him I was there to see him already..
But he can no longer respond and reply.
He was probably watching me and standing beside me with Ma Ma.
I wailed, I cried, I screamed for him to wake up, for him to open his eyes to look at me. I told him I was there already.
But he had already left.
I called kenneth and told him Gong Gong has left and I collapse down on the floor beside Gong Gong while holding on to his arm and continued crying.
No one could stop me and they know it too.
I cried each time I call someone or talk to anyone.
I refused to leave his side until I had to go find daddy who was alone outside the ward.
Everyone tried to tell me Gong Gong is no longer suffering and he is happy now. But to me, he is without us.
I haven't brought him to the zoo again.
I was just telling daddy I wanna bring Gong Gong out after I do my hair and 10 minutes later we realised something is wrong with Gong Gong.
He had a stroke.
Anyway, it took us damn long too to get his death certificate.
This hospital is indeed SLOW in everything.
When the hospital can finally release the body for the undertaker to collect it, I had to go in to identify and ensure that it was the right person.
It's me because I was the informant on the death certificate.
It was really cruel that I had to lift the blanket to see that the person all wrapped up is Gong Gong.
I touched his head for the last time and told him that he has to be good and that he is no longer suffering now.
I came out and the tears just flowed uncontrollably.
I didn't know how to stop. Cos I was thinking that will be the last time I see him in that form before he is placed into the coffin.
We were all very tired from the crying and screaming(maybe only me) so we went home to rest to prepare for the buzy 5 days ahead.
I was supposed to sleep in the living room with Mary as she was frightened but I had difficulty sleeping on the couch and I couldn't sleep there.
I kept staring at the sofa seat and the toilet thinking that I might catch a glimpse of gong gong.
Probably I was just not willing to face reality. I could feel him, I really could. Sky ended up sleeping on gong gong seat and went to sleep soundly.
I looked at Sky and recall how gong gong always say he is a horse rather than a dog.
Eventually I went into the room cos I just couldn't close my eyes in the living room.
I laid on the bed and tried to sleep but I couldn't. I laid there for 3 hours plus until I heard daddy using his hp. Then we all realised that actually all 3 of us were not sleeping at all. We merely close our eyes and we were all awake.
None of us believe that he left us just like that.
At about 7 plus 8am, daddy, didi and I waited for uncle bobby to come and went to geylang industrial estate to choose the coffin for gong gong and to settle some funeral arrangements.
We chose the coffin then we realise that the makeup artiste was helping gong gong with his make up.
I tried to control my tears cos I dun wan to upset the rest anymore.
But daddy broke down when he saw gong gong and we all cried again.
We settled the stuffs and daddy drove me to office to take some stuffs.
The hugs and encouragement I received from my colleagues was heart warming but I was so afraid that I would tear.
I controlled and rush through my stuffs cos everyone was waiting for me downstairs.
Thereafter, we went back home.
I was having a major headache and it was killing me.
Slowly around 11 plus everything started coming in and we had to get ready and prepare for gong gong's return.
We were told by them we cannot cry when they bring his body into the tentage area as he is considered coming home well.
We had to tell him that he is okay now and ask him to come home.
Everyone was controlling and giving each other the support.
The family is always this close and I am happy and thankful about it.
Everyone broke down after they place gong gong into the coffin and it was really sad when we can only see him for the last time before they cover the coffin and we can only see him across the glass opening.
I couldn't really eat and was really tired but I can't sleep.
In the evening, people started coming to pay their last respects to gong gong.
I'm thankful for all my friends who turned up to give me support and to pay their last respects to gong gong too. Though not all of them have seen him before, but i believe they all know how dear he was to me.
Many relatives came too and it is hard to stay strong and put up that brave front.
It's not easy having to face people who tell you to be strong when u just lost someone so so so dear to you.
I tried to be strong and even be able to joke with my cousins and friends and all. But deep down in my heart, it ain't that easy.
I didn't sleep the whole day cos I couldn't.
Only until about 12 plus, I knew i had to take the nap cos i was having such a massive headache that I was about to bang my head on the wall.
Furthermore, didi have to take his TP test the next day so we both went up to sleep. I didn't know how tired i was until i lied on the bed.
I just concussed and sleep. Woke up the next day and realised that didi has left the house already.
So i change and got ready to go back downstairs just in case someone needs to go home to sleep or anything.
Anyway, 5 days passed very quickly and it was the funeral already. I was hysterical and beyond control. Whenever anyone talk to me, the tears will not stop. Daddy have to tell people to stop talking to me so that I can remain calm for a while.
When they wheel his body in, I was screaming because after that what's left is only ashes and bones of him already. Daddy said that I have casued alot of people to tear.
I am thankful for everyone who came to send gong gong off on his last journey and for the support they have gave to us.
I miss him alot but at least he is with ma ma now. He has accompanied us for 12 years more and i think it is time for him to re-unite with ma ma again liao.
Thanks for appearing in my dreams together to let me know that both of you are together now.
I finally have the courgae to publish this.
Sometimes, when i reach home i just feel like shouting Gong Gong and Ma Ma I'm home!
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